here again lol

WHAT'S UP BUDS,

Not that any of you give a shit, but I'm jetting off today for yet another job that I'm completely unprepared for. Apparently the Rome au pair gig and yearlong stint as an insurance intern (with a cubicle the size of a clothes hanger) wasn't enough to satisfy my hatred of being comfortable in my own skin.  Six months ago, after having drooled through half a year at home, reluctantly watching Judge Judy and pushing my cat off my lap, I thought it'd be a "fun" idea to be proactive (what’s YOUR idea of fun???) and make some not-mind-numbingly dull summer plans.  After little to no thinking, I decided that I would spend the summer being a badass in the woods: wearing rolled sleeves and pants with dirty knees, identifying bear shit, converting my piss to drinkable water, and using a fucking COMPASS. CORRECTLY.  I figured, “Hey! I ran in high school! That’s outdoor experience! My mother was a forest ranger! Knowledge is genetic! Right?! It's buried in my blood!" If I could kiss my lips, I would.

So after sweet-talking my references, I applied to 10ish different outdoorsy jobs: a Jeep Guide in Denali National Park, a worker bee at a helicopter touring company in Juneau, a summer camp counselor position in Minnesota, which my friend Jack described as “magic”, and a few others I applied to while waiting for my reality check.  I only heard back from half, and rightfully so– I lied recklessly on most applications, like Pinocchio before the whale trauma.  And after a few phone/Skype interviews, I received tentative offers from four of the five. 

Because I could afford to be picky, feelin like a Queen, I slipped on a wig and waved through my options with unnecessary flair.  Denali, Juneau, and Minnesota were all out, mostly because I have a natural aversion to places where fishing is a largely popular recreational activity.  This left Colorado, where, despite having zero experience in rock climbing, mountain biking, or kayaking, I was hired as a multisport Senior Instructor at Colorado Mountain Camp, a residential outdoor education program run by the highly esteemed Avid4Adventure.  Before you start foaming at the mouth, know that I really truly didn’t exaggerate my qualifications. I was honest about the little experience I had, which is why I felt comfortable taking the job.  I may have thrown some glitter-dipped bullshit at the fancy man who interviewed me regarding my “love of all children”, but I tried to focus our conversation on my eagerness to dedicate the following months leading up to camp to learning as much as I could about adventure sports and band aids and shit.

And I almost did that!  I became Wilderness First Aid and CPR certified.  I took up climbing at an indoor gym near my house, and went outdoor a few times as well.  Just enough to learn the basics of safety and technique, and practice some easy routes. I took a couple REI outdoor school classes on mountain biking and bike maintenance, biked to and from work everyish day, and practiced repairing my tire at home (once). By the way, putting that tire back onto the rim was, aside from that one math test in the seventh grade, the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. I took four breaks, cried once, and cursed Our Father Up Above over three thousand times. Obviously I can't afford any of my campers to get a flat, so I'm just gonna have to line the trails with pillows and trampolines.  I also took a shot at trying to familiarize myself with water sports.  I rented a kayak at the beach and begged gear-heavy strangers for tips, and more impressively, I spent the past 20 hours desperately watching youtube tutorials for Stand Up Paddle boarding. Last but certainly not least, I practiced tying a knot for a half hour on the smelly futon until my brother banned me from touching his ropes ever again.

I'm ready-ish. I bought and ate my last pint of Ben & Jerrys, lined the top of my carry-on with at least 30 tampons so the TSA wouldn’t dig around my pack, and whispered my tearful goodbyes to the dust-bunnies beneath my brother’s bathroom sink.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little concerned about the bite bump still on my right arm from three weeks ago, given to me by a brown widow spider who was CLEARLY flirting with me, but the nurse practitioner at Facey insisted that I wasn’t secretly and slowly dying from the venom. What the fuck does she know?

Anyway, the first day of staff training is tomorrow, and I'm scared shitless, so I really can't afford to waste any more time typing a letter to nobody. I have like, four different How To videos on pause right now. My tabs game is insane.

Fuck,
Kay

P.S. HEY, my 21^st birthday was on Wednesday! I went sky diving and ate a burger on the beach and saw a Groundlings show and then had drinks with some of my closest buddies at a bar that also served deep fried brussel sprouts infused with bacon. HERE'S A VIDEO OF MY JUMP: